Notes from a psychologist who doesn’t have the words but wants to speak up.

I have been trying to write this post for weeks. But it’s been hard to find the words. It is hard to know what to say in the face of a humanitarian crisis that has led to the loss of so many innocent lives.

Hard to know what to say to support but not offend. To validate but not condone. To help but not harm.

But then I realised my brain was doing what it always does: trying to avoid the uncomfortable at the cost of doing something meaningful.

So, to be clear, I agree with Doctors Without Borders, Save the Children, the United Nations, UNICEF, and Amnesty International in calling for a ceasefire and an end to the devastating loss of Palestinian lives. I also recognise the devastating loss of lives in the attack on Oct 7th and the ongoing hostage crisis. I recognise the impact of anti-semitism and Islamophobia in Australia and across the world. I choose to acknowledge and hold space for this complexity.

Today, I have made space for the uncomfortable, and I am writing not to make you feel better (as this is not the time for feeling better) but to help you make sense of what you may be feeling. To turn toward rather than turn away.

It is likely that your brain, like mine, has been oscillating through different threat responses lately. This threat may be triggered by watching the conflict unfold or by personal connection to people who have been impacted. It may be triggered in conversations or in reaction to harmful comments, in person or online. Whatever it is that triggers your threat response, understanding this response can be helpful to process your experience.

These are some of the responses I’ve been noticing in myself and what I’ve been doing to help. I hope they offer you some support too.

1. My brain under threat often wants to cope by people-pleasing or avoiding the issue altogether. These types of responses are useful in the short term (as they avoid discomfort), but in the long term, they mean we don’t stand up for what we believe in or take meaningful action.

To challenge this, I remind myself that uncomfortable emotions often don’t mean we are doing something wrong but doing something meaningful. I ask myself, ‘Am I willing to make space for this emotion in order to do this thing?’ When the answer is yes, I take some deep breaths and do it.

2. When under threat, our brain tends to simplify issues to fit our current worldview. This leads to polarisation, where we start to see ideas as 100% right and wrong. Our brain does this at the cost of complexity and connection. When communities do this, a culture is created where people are afraid to speak for fear of ‘getting it wrong.’

When my brain does this, I engage with the complexities of issues by reading a wide variety of news sources or listening more to people with different opinions. Only in the complexity are we able to come together, and only by coming together do we get lasting progress.

3. Our brain under threat reaches for certainty. Right now, for me, this means scrolling through social media, desperate to read something that helps make sense of the situation. However, social media has not been constructed to help you understand complex issues but rather to hijack your brain’s bias toward simple, short dopamine hits to keep you online.

To counteract this, I  try to disconnect from social media but not from the issue. I set limits to my scrolling to find a balance between sharing about the issue and looking after myself. I curate my online space to focus on trusted resources and supportive people.

4. Our brains under threat also tend to be more sensitive and more likely to perceive challenges to our ideas as if they are threats to our safety. This may mean we become overwhelmed in conversations more easily than usual.

To challenge this, I focus on taking time out to ground myself when I feel my stress levels start to rise. I also try not to trigger threat responses in others by focusing on listening and sharing my perspective rather than getting personal. And when I can’t get grounded on my own, I make sure I reach out to safe people, as no one heals in isolation.

In times of great conflict, polarisation and uncertainty, we desperately want to find a sense of control. This sense of control can often only be found by small, meaningful actions. Today, my meaningful action was this post. Although my brain tried to turn away and avoid it, I kept bringing it back to a simple idea:

When we spend too much time trying to find the right thing to say or the right thing to do, we can end up saying and doing nothing at all.

You are not alone. Reach out for support often and early.

Beyond Blue. Mental Health Support. 24/7. 1300 22 4636.

Lifeline. Crisis Support. 24/7. 13 11 14.

Rainbow Door. LGBTIQA+ Support. 1800 729 367.

13YARN. Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander Crisis Support. 24/7. 13 92 76.