The new (COVID) normal?

2020 has been a challenging year for all. The challenges we have faced may have looked different for each of us, however, there was a sense of connection in that we were all going through this together. While COVID-19 brought many pressures, we also observed a collective sense that this was an unprecedented time. Suddenly, it was OK to not be coping and to need support. 

For some of my clients, it has been useful to give meaning to the year as a time of loss. And we know that we experience loss through stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. 

Perhaps you felt a period of denial in the early stages, blocking out the seriousness of the risk, or believing we would return to normal after a few weeks of lockdown. However, once the reality set in, perhaps anger began to appear, aimed at anything from inanimate objects, strangers, or closer to home with friends and family. 

Bargaining may have occurred as you attempt to regain control of the situation, exhausting yourself through attempts to pivot, adapt or make constructive use of periods of lockdown (learn to bake, or speak Italian anyone?). As the months continued, many of us also entered the stage of depression, characterised by lethargy and a sense of hopelessness that this would never change. 

These are all normal parts of a grieving process. However, it is also important to acknowledge that there is no right way to grieve; just like there is no right way to deal with 2020. Contrary to popular belief, we do not move through these stages in any specific order, nor do these stages look the same for everyone. However, the hope is that in all grief, we do reach a stage of peaceful acceptance. But for many, finding acceptance in 2020 has been nearly impossible.

Why is that? Well firstly, our “COVID lockdown” grief in 2020 is related to an indefinite loss. It is hard to accept the losses of 2020 when it is not clear what parts of your life, pre-COVID, will return to normal. Further, the losses have been felt in many different ways. Perhaps there has been a loss of connection with friends and family, a loss of a job, a loss of your home or for too many, loss of a loved one.  

There has also been a loss of freedom, or even a loss of self as you were no longer allowed to do the things that define you. Further, you may have recently experienced a new pressure in your community to have reached acceptance before you are ready. As lockdowns have ended and restrictions have eased, you may have felt a pressure from those around you to just move on and get back to life. Whether from government pressure to get out there and “save the economy,” your boss asking you to come back to work, to family member’s planning Christmas and friends inviting you over to catch up. 

Although this year has obviously presented challenges from mental health and wellbeing, it is important not to talk about these challenges as if they are past tense, but rather how these challenges have changed. And that many people may be experiencing more significant mental health issues now than when the pandemic was at its peak. 

Mental health challenges are not caused by COVID-19, they are caused by the impact COVID-19 has had on our lives. And these impacts will continue far into the future. Yet the collective sense of togetherness that was perhaps felt at the height of the pandemic, seems to be eroding. As states ease restrictions differently, some people return to work whilst others remain unemployed, and masks begin to be a personal choice rather than a mandated requirement, we are now more divided in our responses to this threat. 

And through this division we may feel more isolated and alone in their emotional responses; we begin to believe that there is something wrong with us, and everyone else is just back to normal life. COVID-19 may become eliminated, but perhaps now is the time to move our attention away from the count of the number of COVID cases, to a recognition of the challenges many of us continue to face. 

Many of us, over an extended period of time have been forced to isolate, avoid social situations and learnt there is threat in social environments. It is important to acknowledge that this is exactly how social anxiety develops. This is why it makes sense that this period may have induced a new or different level of social anxiety for you. 

The next few months might be the most challenging as we return to environments that may now bring on anxiety. Remember: this anxiety is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. That’s why you are feeling it. So the best thing to do is to keep talking about it to trusted friends and family. Try to be kind to everyone as they re-engage in social environments at whatever pace works for them. Including you.

So, if you are feeling apprehensive about returning to another weekend of social engagements, hanging with close friends, especially over the Christmas period, here are some tips to deal with this “hangxiety.’ 

As your brain readjusts to more complex social environments, socialising is going to be more exhausting. This might help explain why you are feeling so exhausted after last weekend: you were pushing beyond your current social capacity, which may not be what it used to. So when planning weekend activities try to limit the number of social events, especially those with large groups of people. 

Try to notice if you are saying yes to events because of a fear of missing out, rather than only saying yes to what you are ready for. Remember bubble baths are lovely, but self-care also means setting boundaries, saying no, and asking for what you need. Real friends tell friends that they just can’t go to one more picnic this weekend. And real friends understand there’s always next weekend. 

So, with this in mind, know that whatever your grief looks like in response to changes in 2020, or whatever you feel in reaction to the return to social environments, know that these reactions are valid. Know that you are not alone. They are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. “COVID-normal” is not something you have to work to achieve, it is whatever you are feeling, right now.

The ideas presented here are general wellbeing advice. If you want further support call:

Beyond Blue Coronavirus Mental Health Support 1800 512 348

Lifeline. Crisis Support. 13 11 14

Rainbow Door. LGBTIQA+ support. 1800 729 367.

This article original appeared as part of Beyond “Unprecedented” Poslink 93, Summer 2020.